Sunday, January 22, 2012


This morning I found myself caught in the all too familiar eddy of anger, fear, guilt, sadness, and wounding that is the story of my family of origin. My father sent me a text message essentially asking me to jump into it.
I declined, but internally joined him anyway. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I made breakfast.

I asked myself "How did I get here again? Why, at nearly 31 years of age, do I still find myself weeping in a confused and uncomfortable mess because of the actions of others?" Usually these are rhetorical questions.
Not today.
The answer was immediate. A clear and bright flash of understanding.

Oh yeah, because I was allowing it.

Until this moment forgiveness has always been practice. An "act as if" life-style. Something I understood intellectually and applied out of faith.

Feeling like a classical cellist who practices every day of her life, fingers raw and bleeding, until the music just flows into her. I understood.

I chose another way.

This decision transported me in science fiction time/space warp style to a whole new place. The place from which I am writing this. A place I hope I get to hang out in for a good long while. Grace, gratitude, and calm surround me. My mind feels clear. My heart, warm and light.
I can still see the story and the pain of others, but from a place of grace it does not directly affect me. From this place I can hold real forgiveness and unconditional love, offering both fully. I can witness the suffering without joining in.
Freedom. At last.


  1. very very powerful....thx for sharing my feelings...your expression of love and light is easy and comfortable....

  2. What a gift Katrina. The position of the sacred observer, the witness, is a powerful and amazing position. I believe Grace to be the most holy of gifts because it can only be given by God. I know how hard you have worked to come to a clear and healthy place with your family. It reminds me of what a therapist told me once. She said "you can't loose the game if you never agree to play". It sounds like today you chose to not play the "family drama" game. I think you are getting super smart.

    "T'was Grace that taught my heart no fear.
    And Grace, my fears relieved.
    How precious did that Grace appear
    The hour I first believed."
    John Newton Amazing Grace